๐ฏ "๐๐% ๐จ๐ ๐ง๐๐ฐ ๐ฆ๐๐ง๐๐ ๐๐ซ๐ฌ ๐ซ๐๐ฉ๐จ๐ซ๐ญ ๐ญ๐ก๐๐ญ ๐ฆ๐๐ข๐ง๐ญ๐๐ข๐ง๐ข๐ง๐ ๐ญ๐ก๐ ๐ซ๐ข๐ ๐ก๐ญ ๐๐๐ฅ๐๐ง๐๐ ๐๐๐ญ๐ฐ๐๐๐ง ๐๐ซ๐ข๐๐ง๐๐ฅ๐ข๐ง๐๐ฌ๐ฌ ๐๐ง๐ ๐๐ฎ๐ญ๐ก๐จ๐ซ๐ข๐ญ๐ฒ ๐ข๐ฌ ๐ญ๐ก๐๐ข๐ซ ๐๐ข๐ ๐ ๐๐ฌ๐ญ ๐ฅ๐๐๐๐๐ซ๐ฌ๐ก๐ข๐ฉ ๐๐ก๐๐ฅ๐ฅ๐๐ง๐ ๐." - Center for Creative Leadership
The Leadership Friendship Paradox ๐ค
Last week, I coached a recent individual contributor, now leading a team of 5 for the first time. His words echoed a challenge I've heard countless times in my 15 years of coaching: "๐'๐ฎ ๐ต๐ฆ๐ณ๐ณ๐ช๐ง๐ช๐ฆ๐ฅ ๐ฐ๐ง ๐ญ๐ฐ๐ด๐ช๐ฏ๐จ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ค๐ญ๐ฐ๐ด๐ฆ ๐ณ๐ฆ๐ญ๐ข๐ต๐ช๐ฐ๐ฏ๐ด๐ฉ๐ช๐ฑ๐ด ๐'๐ท๐ฆ ๐ฃ๐ถ๐ช๐ญ๐ต ๐ธ๐ช๐ต๐ฉ ๐ฎ๐บ ๐ต๐ฆ๐ข๐ฎ๐ฎ๐ข๐ต๐ฆ๐ด."
๐ง๐ต๐ถ๐ ๐๐๐ฟ๐๐ด๐ด๐น๐ฒ ๐ถ๐๐ป'๐ ๐๐ป๐ถ๐พ๐๐ฒ.
I, too, struggled with this friendship-leader dilemma early in my career. So much so that the stress of it all wound me up in the hospital at the end of the academic year (I was a Director of Campus Life at a college), needing to have emergency surgery on my colon.ย It was diverticulitis.ย I was 30. My grandma, who was 70 at the time, also had this.ย 30-year-olds donโt get this. Stress-induced, is what the doc said.ย
Here's what I've learned from more than 500+ hours of coaching leaders over the years:
๐ฏ ๐ง๐ต๐ฒ ๐๐ฟ๐ถ๐ฒ๐ป๐ฑ๐๐ต๐ถ๐ฝ ๐ง๐ฟ๐ฎ๐ฝ
Take David (not his real name, Iโve changed all the names here), a field supervisor who tried to maintain his "one of the guys" status after promotion. During our coaching, he discovered that his desire to be liked was actually undermining his ability to give direct feedback. We worked on reframing his role: not as the team's friend, but as their champion for growth.
๐ ๐ง๐ต๐ฒ ๐๐ผ๐ป๐ฒ๐น๐ ๐๐ฒ๐ฎ๐ฑ๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ ๐๐๐ต
When Jamie first stepped into her Director role, she worried that setting boundaries meant isolation. Through our work together, she built a powerful peer network while maintaining appropriate boundaries with her team.ย
Today, she's both respected and approachableโproof that you don't have to choose between effectiveness and connection.ย There is still room for vulnerability, authenticity, and connection while also still understanding your role as a leader.ย Itโs a balance - one we worked on and role-played out a few times in our coaching together.ย
๐ฆ๐๐ฐ๐ฐ๐ฒ๐๐ ๐ฃ๐ฎ๐๐๐ฒ๐ฟ๐ป๐ ๐'๐๐ฒ ๐ข๐ฏ๐๐ฒ๐ฟ๐๐ฒ๐ฑ:
โจ Leaders who schedule intentional connection time rather than leaving it to chanceย
โจ Those who share experiences without sharing personal strugglesย
โจ Teams where leaders are consistently fair rather than consistently closeย
โจ Managers who build peer support networks outside their direct reports
If you're navigating this balance right now, I get it. I've guided various leaders- at various levels in an organization- through this exact transition.ย
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About Jeff Stafford
Jeff is a ICF and Gallup-Certified Strengths Coach who specializes in coaching leaders to build the mindset + skillset to lead themselves more effectively while creating the structure + systems for team effectiveness. He is the founder of Orange Slice Training + Coaching - a small business making big impacts with people and organizations across the globe. Learn more about Jeff Stafford.
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